bad.

I live with my parents. Or, rather, in my view, I live with my dad and the woman he married. I can't bring myself to call her "mom" after the way she's treated myself and my kids.

I've seen her spank my 1 year old for waking up in the middle of the night crying.
I've seen her slap my son for putting his elbows on the table.
I've seen her bitch about the clothes I let my kids wear. (which aren't revealing or inappropriate, she just doesn't like them.)
I've seen a lot of bullshit in her presence.

But today takes the cake. I'm a shitty mother because I don't hover over my kids and slap the shit out of them for every little thing they do. I prefer to tell them "that's not nice", or send them to their rooms, or take away privledges (such as wii or tv or mp3 players) rather than smack the shit out of them.

I'm selfish. Her words. I do EVERYTHING to make sure my kids are taken care of. I bust my ass working graveyard, and sleep during the day, for far less hours than my body needs to work properly. I support them fully on my own, at least money wise, because my older kids dad is a douche and won't work, and my fiance is incapable of working due to some leg issue that no one has figured out yet. Pat busts his ass to make sure their clothes are clean and they have dinner and whatnot every day.

I've been slapped several times by her (several of them were 3 days after having a c-section) because she doesn't like how I do things. In her eyes, I don't deserve shit because I have a man helping me all the time. Does she not get that when I asked for help when I was married to my ex...it was because I needed a break I never actually got? He wasn't "involved". He wanted to sleep ALL THE TIME and do nothing with us. I wasn't even allowed to pay bills alone because god forbid I "spend too much". He didn't like my friends...the neighbors...because they were "crack heads". But he did nothing to get us out of there, and I rarely if ever had a car so I could go see other people. Toward the end, he never came home after work...except to change clothes and leave again.

Yeah, I know I'm not a perfect person. But I own it. I'm trying. I'm not blaming anyone but myself for the errors I'm making with my kids. But she is. In her eyes, I am utterly worthless and not worth the dirt on her feet.

According to her, Pat does nothing. Except all the grocery shopping, all the cooking, nearly all the laundry. Diaper changes. He never really goes anywhere without anyone. He does all a stay at home mom does...and probably more than most (surely more than I ever did). Yes, he has a short fuse. But all it results in is a raised voice.

I'm not perfect. Far from it. Yeah, I probably spend too much time online. But I don't leave my house for hours every night partying and getting drunk and stoned and whatever else some people with kids do. And I pay attention to whats going on around me (although "she" says I don't because I didn't hear Jo tell her to "move her ass"...which I doubt Jo said. Jo's never used that word, that any of us are aware of) but I did not hear any of this happen. So apparently, I'm a liar and don't give a shit about anything they do.